The Daily life of Tsuda Takatoshi
by Johnny Wycliffe
Summary: Tsuda has graduated high school, but he hardly lives a glamorous life, unlike his peers. How will the tsukkomi to rule all tsukkomis deal with his new life?
1. Chapter 1: Conbini

Hello everyone, my name is Tsuda Takatoshi. Up until recently I was on the student council for Ousai Private Academy, but all of that is past me now. At the age of 20, It would be absurd for me to still be at the academy that basically rewrote the rules for how to interact with the fairer sex.

Unfortunately, life hadn't gone exactly as planned, as is usual. While everyone else that I knew from the academy went on to do great things, here I am, wallowing in my mediocrity. I own a 1K apartment, work at a convenience store, and live paycheck to paycheck. It could be a lot worse, I know, just... Sometime I wonder what it would be like to get all the attention those girls get. Today, I have the 12-8 shift at the convenience store, so I have some time to watch TV.

I'm greeted by Shino's bright face speaking to the camera. Something about a high profile trial. She really decided to go on to be a TV reporter after the one particular one got popular back in our high school days. Nowadays, she barely even blushes as she reads the news, and from what I hear from my coworkers, they all think it's cute that she's nervous. I don't really have the heart to tell them that the blush isn't from being flustered, but from excitement. Primal excitement. It seems her job as the president of the student council prepared her well for her current job, as she hardly ever gets tongue tied, and I've heard the broadcast station that employs her got a large boost in reviews when she joined. She's doing quite well for herself, that's for sure.

"Today, the case of Keichi vs Hagimura is causing quite a stir, as the latest rising star in the legal world, Hagimura has tackled multiple cases of corporate corruption." The screen behind Shino flips to show a picture of Hagimura and the defendant, the CEO of some fishing company. Apparently, they were illegally adding some chemical or another to the fish before they went to market. Maybe a preservative of some kind? "As the courts open for the day, this five day long trial may soon come to an end. Correspondents on the jury have reported that the judge seems to be leaning in favor of the 'High-School wonder' which would leave her thirty trial win streak unbroken."

Ah, yes. Suzu Hagimura, She became a lawyer, and a very good one to the absolute surprise of nobody. With her memory and her logical thinking, her opinions are already sought after by high ranking corporate types, including one particular Brunnette. Unfortunately, her body seems to have stopped growing after a short spurt in her last year of high school, leaving her with the looks of a sixteen year old girl. This did cause her first few opponents to underestimate her, but that might also be her age. After all, she's only 20 like me. She did manage to pass her Bar exam in record time though.

It's nice that they're both happy with their lots in life. They're both raking it in, as far as I can tell.

After that portion of the news finishes, I clean up my plates and wash them in the sink. It's still way too early to head out to the store, so what should I do?

The question is answered by my phone ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bro!" Comes Kotomi's voice. "What's up?"

"Oh, you know. Living it up at home, waiting for work to start. How's Osaka?"

"It's great! The crowd here is so large!" I can actually hear the cheering through the handset, so she must be at the event right now. Surprising, I thought these things usually happened in the evening.

"I can't believe you actually joined the Judo team." I say, sitting down on my couch.

"Only as the manager."

"Still, it's like none of you graduated from high school. You're still the manager, Chiri, Toki nanako, and Mutsumi are still on the team... it's kind of scary how all of you went on to do what you were already doing."

"Yeah, but now things are different. For example, only two of us are still virgins!"

I really should know better than to drink anything when talking to my sister. Now I have to clean my spit from the wall. "Kotomi, that's not-"

"Of course, I'm still pure! So is our captain. Speaking of which, you need to talk to her."

"How is her still being... uh, how her state mean I need to talk to her?"

"She's too nervous!" Kotomi shouts, prompting me to hold the hand-piece away from my ear. "Tell her you'll be watching or something, so that she calms down."

"That's not going to calm her down." I deadpan. "If anything, that'll wind her up."

"Nah, last time she had to fight I convinced her that you were in the audience and she fought harder than ever. This time she wants proof."

"...You're a horrible person."

"It's a manager's job to make sure that her fighters are at one hundred percent, no matter the cost!"

I can almost hear the fake tear trailing down her smiling face. "Fine, whatever, put her on." There's a bit of shuffling, a door opening, and some suspicious yelps. My sister, the pervert. Then, I can hear a slightly dejected Mutsumi's voice mumbling something. She's not sounding to good. Before long though, the phone gets close enough to someone's face that I can hear breathing. "Mutsumi?"

"Taka! Are you really going to watch me fight?" She sounds very cheerful all of a sudden. Also, I don't know exactly when she stopped calling me Takatoshi but it was recently.

"Of course. I watch all of your matches, Kotomi makes sure of that. I'm going to watch this one live, if I can."

"Awesome! I'm all ready to go now!" I can her uniform snap as she throws a punch through the air. "Say, next time I'm back up there can we get a bite to eat?"

I'm not going to pretend I'm a clueless harem protagonist. Not like I was in high school. I know perfectly well what she's after. "Yeah, sounds good." I say. Better start saving now though, since she eats like a horse. Maybe I should bet on her winning. I might make a tidy profit.

"YES! Okay, I have to finish warming up. I'll talk to you soon, Taka!"

There's some yelling and suddenly Kotomi starts grumbling into the handset. "Crazy girl threw the phone at me. Nearly took my head off." I can hear the smirk cross her face. "So you and the captain have a date?"

"It seems like it." I say neutrally. "I'm sure it's going to go the same as always. We go out to eat, she gets fired up by something, and it ends up being a guy's night. Maybe we'll go to the batting cages this time?"

"You really need to take her to a fancy restaurant sometime." Kotomi moves into lecture mode. "Otherwise, how else will you finally realize how precious she is to you?"

"Kotomi, if I took her anywhere expensive she'd eat a whole rent's worth of food."

"I know! Our food budget is crazy! Anyway, I have to go watch the fight. Make sure to record it!"

With that, the line goes dead. I stare at the phone for a second before setting it back down in its charging cradle. Fortunately for me, the Judo team travel all over and rarely has time to come back to the Ousai area, so my impending wallet drain is probably some time away.

Still, it would be nice to see the somehow still pure Mutsumi... not the way my sister meant it, but just in her general attitude. It's been some time.

After cleaning the wall, I turn the TV back on and find which channel Mutsumi is fighting on.

She's certainly still in great shape. I can see why judo fans like her so much. After a few relatively quick matches, she devastates the enemy team with a shut out victory. While she holds up her trophy in victory, I swear I can see her wink at the camera. My ego decides that the gesture was meant for me.

I put on my uniform and head out to the store. It's not far, only ten minutes' walk away, and I'll be in early, but I don't mind working a little bit extra time. My manager is pretty good about making sure everyone gets paid their due.

"Taka!" I turn around to find Uomi- I'm sorry, _Big Sister_ running up to me. "What a coincidence!"

"Yeah, just like the last three-hundred times."

As usual, she ignores this. "How is everything? Still getting enough to eat?"

"Nothing's changed since yesterday, Sis." Well... "Oh, Mutsumi won her matches today."

"That's good! Do you know when she and Kotomi will be back in town?"

I shrug. "I don't know their schedule that-"

"They'll be here in a week!" Uomi twirls around to face me, walking backwards. "For shame, not knowing when your cute sister is coming back from her trip."

"Sis, Kotomi only calls me when she needs me to cheer Mutsumi up. She never tells me anything useful." Also, now I only have a week to figure out what to do about my new date. "Ah, pole."

"Wha-" Uomi walks backwards into a telephone pole, and kneels down to clutch her head. "Owwwww."

"Are you okay?"

She doesn't look up, but holds a thumbs up above her head.

"...If you need some ice, we have some at work. It's literally around the corner."

She stands up without letting go of her head, as if it is going to fall off at any second. We successfully get to the store and I grab a small ice pack from the freezer and stick it on her head.

"Sorry to trouble you." She murmurs.

"Not a problem. Just don't walk into any other poles, okay?"

She gives me a lukewarm smile and says her goodbyes. She works... I think she works for the government now. Doing something clandestine, by how cagey she is about it. I would joke and say that she's a super spy, but given how ridiculously high my high school friends have gotten in life, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the truth of the matter.

After that, work proceeds along as normal for an hour or so. Stock the shelves ring out a few customers, smile politely while the old woman yells about her drugs. The usual.

Then four women come into the store at once, all easily recognizable to me. Hell, I'd seen two of them on the television this morning. Shino, Suzu, Hata and Kaede all walk in chatting about something. Hata is now carrying around a video camera, working for the same station as Shino. Kaede, ever since getting over her fear of men (mostly) has been working as a bailiff for the local jury.

"Ah. It's Takatoshi." Hata says. As ever, her face is completely dead.

"Yeah, that's why we're he- MPHHH" Says Kaede before Shino covers her mouth with one of her hands.

Suzu walks up to the counter. "Tsuda, do you have a few minutes?"

I glance at my boss, who had gotten used to random famous people showing up at the store looking for me. He holds up five fingers. Five minutes.

"Yeah, a few. What's up?"

She smiles. "Great! See, I've won my latest case, and we're going to throw a party tonight. Are you going to come?"

"I get off at eight, so, maybe." I say.

"That's fine." Suzu says.

"I saw your case on the news. I'm surprised that you managed to finish so quickly."

She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, Yokohama Fisheries was corrupt. We'll see how long that stays the case." Then she pauses, and a faint redness touches her cheeks. "So, you were watching?"

To be honest, or to be flattering? "I-"

"If you lie to me, I'll know." She says. It's true too, she's really good at reading people.

"I was actually watching Mutsumi fight. Kotomi called me up and told me she was up."

"Ah, Mustsumi. She still has a massive crush on you, doesn't she?" Shino cuts in.

"...Yes."

Shino smirks. "One of these days, I'll show her what true love looks like!"

"That would require you to have a true love first, Shino." Hata says, stepping back to get an angle with her camera that perfectly frames both Shino and I. "Which would disappoint all of you fans."

Kaede rolls her eyes. "Yes, you two have had it all figured out since high school." She says with a touch of bitterness. "Everyone from back then knew it was inevitable, so just stop flirting and fu- fuuu-" Her face turns red. "g-get married already."

Shino throws an arm around the Bailiff's shoulders. "Oh, there's enough Tsuda to go around."

I have no recourse but to sigh heavily. "We're not going to get married, Kaede."

Hata focuses her camera on me. "Why not? Has some other beautiful maiden stolen your heart away from Ms. Amakusa?"

"Yeah, I need to know this." Suzu crosses her arms across her chest.

"But Tsuda! What about our love!" Proclaims Shino loudly, clutching her arms close and twirling around in pretend agony.

I glance back at my boss. He taps his wrist, my time's up. "I need to get back to work."

"Not until you answer the question. Who stole your heart?" Hata pushes the camera up into my face, forcing me to take a step back.

Uh, shit. Hata's not going to leave until she can manufacture some sort of story. I could say Mutsumi, that would be the safest option, and probably recognized as such. Or, I could say Suzu, for maximum confusion. Or...

I could use the ultimate fallback plan. Revenge for five years of being the tsukkomi to their idiocy. I have been saving this through thick and thin, and this is the perfect opportunity to use it.

"It's Nozomi Mori."

I can feel the temperature in the shop grow colder. I'm not sure why but for some reason all of the other females around me panic whenever I bring her up. It's been that way since I met her in my second year of high school. She's always been so easy to get along with, since I don't have to tsukkomi her all the time... Wait, I think I figured it out.

Yeah, that would explain the look of horror on three of their faces.

"Suzu, I thought you were making sure they didn't have any contact!" Shino says.

"I was! He... He isn't? How?" Suzu splutters.

Hata still has her dead, flat expression, but I swear she's smiling gleefully on the inside.

Surprisingly, Kaede is also upset. "You guys said-"

My boss comes by and clamps a hand on my shoulder. "Tsuda, get back to work."

"Yeah, right away."

"Tsuda." Suzu says warningly. "When you get to the party tonight, you are going to tell us the truth!"

"Wait, was he lying?" Shino turns to the youngest looking member of our group.

"I... Maybe?" Suzu suddenly looks uncertain.

Well, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be at that party. And, I need to write an apology to Mori.

* * *

"Surprise!"

With my key still in my hand, almost close enough to unlock my door, it's thrown open.

Normally, this would indicate an intruder. Maybe having parents visit. However, when your house key is copied and distributed to half of the students you went to high school with, it's not that surprising when you find one of them in your house.

"Hi, Aria." It take me a moment to register that she's not exactly wearing much, just a ribbon tied around her ample breasts with a loop going down her stomach. "If you're dressed like that, you're going to catch a cold."

"Aw, you're no fun." She pouts. She follows me right into the only room in the apartment, still not putting anything on. "Come on, don't you want to have some fun?"

Please, _please_ don't get a boner right now. "Don't you have a company to run?"

"I have a secretary for that."

"Yeah, leaving Dejima in charge doesn't exactly fill me with confidence."

"No, I got a much better secretary. Since she's so close, I can keep an eye on her and make sure she's not up to anything, and she's very good at her job!" She trusts her chest out and the knot on the ribbons loosens.

"Oh yeah? Why do you need to keep an eye on her if she's so trustworthy?"

"So she doesn't try to talk to yo-" Aria bites her tongue, but not quick enough.

"You hired Mori just to keep an eye on her?" Looks like I own her two apologies now. Maybe more.

Aria has the rare decency to act ashamed. "But, she's trying to steal you away from us."

"Uh, no, she's just easy to get along with. Given she doesn't do things like show up to my house dressed in a ribb-" My doorbell rings. Looks like it's going to be one of those nights. "Aria, just put on some real clothes." I head to the door and look through the peephole. It looks like it's Shino, Hata and Kaede. If I have to guess, Suzu's there too, but off to the side. She's no longer quite short enough for me to miss her through the peephole.

"Hey, Tsuda!" Shino yells through the door. "Your lover's getting cold!"

I open the door. "Shino, what are you talking about-" Okay, I admit that it was my fault for tempting the universe. Hata and Kaede each are holding tightly the wrist of a very chilly looking Nozomi Mori, dresses only in a ribbon and some slippers much the way Aria was. "Holy- Get in! What are you girls thinking! It's October! You can't dress someone like that!" I turn to the deeply blushing Mori. "And I am so, so sorry. I'll go draw you a bath so you can warm up."

"T-thanks."

"No need!" Comes Aria's voice. I turn around to find that she has indeed dropped the ribbon. However, she dropped it in favor of some leather bondage gear. "I already drew a bath!"

Mori gratefully pushes into my bathroom as silence descends on the rest of my suddenly cramped apartment. It's not designed to fit six people and a bed.

"I'm sure this doesn't need explaining." I say. "But I had no part in Aria's presence here."

"Aria! We told you the party started at eight thirty!" Shino complains.

"No fair trying to get the jump on us!" Kaede grumbles.

I glance at the androphobic girl out of the corner of my eye. Wait, what?

"Well, none of you wanted to go with the ribbon thing so if I wanted to I had to improvise!" Aria complains.

Hata is fiddling with her still camera, but it's pointed at the floor in a remarkable display of tact.

"Aria, we agreed not sneaking ahead!" Suzu says plaintively.

This is usually the point where I decide to space out. It's a fact of life for me that these kinds of conversations happen all too often. Primarily whenever the old student council gets together, along with anyone who was on the outskirts. They like to joke about who gets to keep me, it turns into an argument because I'm sure at least one of them is probably serious. In fact, my actually voice in the matter is pretty low anyway. The invite me to the girl talk sessions where they loudly complain that "there's this one guy who seems completely oblivious to love" and "if he'd just catch a clue I could get married already."

I'm sure if I actually attempted to marry one of them... well, they might arrive at my doorstep naked, dragged along by the un-chosen, given today's example.

Mori pokes her head out of the bathroom. "Excuse me, does anyone have any spare clothes?"

The girls look at each other, then at the red ribbon still on the ground that Aria had discarded.

I cut them off before they can suggest it. "She just got out of the ribbon, we're not putting her in another. Mori, are you fine with some of my clothes?"

She nods sheepishly.

"NO FAIR!" Come the chorus from all directions. Shino continues for everyone else. "I want to wear Tsuda's clothes too!"

Hata looks at me calmly. "You have it tough, don't you?"

* * *

Once everyone is more or less clothed (I don't like how many spare panties and bra were lying around after everyone changed) in my clothes, Aria and Suzu start cooking some dinner with the food they bought. Apparently, the party was always going to be held at my house, and I just wasn't informed.

It's getting past my capability to care.

Kaede is constantly sniffing my clothes. staring into space for a minute, then sniffing the arm of my sweater again. I suppose it could be her training herself to get used to the smell of boys, but I feel more like it's just another person trying to win my affections.

Lets see, the serious category contains Mutsumi, Shino, and possibly Suzu. And now, possibly Kaede, since I doubt she falls into the second category, the teases. The teases are Aria and Uomi. Hata...

I glance at the one person still dressed the way she had been when she came in. She's currently holding her hands down in her lap hard, her camera out of reach. I know how badly she wants to record this, and I commend her for not. Hata's definitely not interested in me.

I haven't talked to Mori as much as I'd have liked too, and now I know why. Interference from all sides. Still, she's easy to get along with, but probably not a contender.

Jeez, what am I, a harem protagonist? I was joking when I brought it up this morning.

Mori seems comfortable enough for being forced to wear a ribbon to some male's house and them putting on his clothes to replace that. I guess having to deal with Uomi for three years gave her some great perspective on life.

By the way, I'm currently staring at the ceiling and reciting prime numbers in my head. This is because the girls are currently arguing about breast size, and the last thing I need right now is to get aroused. Last time that happened, I was almost pounced.

It looks like it's a bit of a losing battle, though, as the alcohol Aria had brought starts to take effect and they start pressing into each other to prove... something. The fact that my t-shirts aren't made to contain someone of Aria's or Mori's size isn't helping. It looks like I'm going to have to finish the food as well, as the others have all abandoned it.

Ah, I need to start counting. 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17-

My doorbell rings again, and I leap up at the chance of distraction. Unfortunately, once I look through the peephole I see Uomi, who is already reaching for her key. I can't exactly keep her out, and she's not likely to help the situation. In fact, she can only make it worse.

With a heavy sigh, I open the door. "Hello, sis."

"Hey, why don't you call _me_ sis?" Cries a tipsy Shino.

"Because _you're_ not related to Taka." Uomi says. "Unlike me."

"No fair. Tsuda! From now on, call me sis! President's orders!"

"You haven't been the president for three years, Shino." I say.

"No, not Shino! SIS!"

"Won't it be confusing to have two sisses?" I ask in one last desperate attempt.

She thinks hard for a moment. "Then call me Dear!"

This results in the predictable outcry from the peanut gallery.

"Alright, that's it. I'm going for a walk." I leave my apartment, ignoring the cries of "Wait!" and Come back!" as I close the door.

The brisk October air feels good on my skin. I take the steps down away from my apartment and start heading down the street. Before long, I can hear footsteps approach from behind me.

"Hello, Tsuda."

"Hello, Mori."

"Thank you for lending me clothes."

"Yeah, its the least I could do. I didn't think they'd believe me and then go and kidnap you."

"Believe you?"

"Yeah they were pestering me earlier, asking me who had stolen my heart from Shino. I remembered how irritated they got when you got brought up, so..." I shrug. "I really need to apologize."

"No, I know how they get. I work for Aria now, and you should hear what she gets up to in her spare time."

"Wait, don't tell me. Enemas and strapons."

Mori grimaces. "She just had one of those wooden horses put into her office. Thankfully, it folds away when clients arrive, but why does she need one in her office?"

"It's better not to ask."

A comfortable silence falls. We make it all the way around the block and back to the entrance of my apartment complex. "You know, every one of those girls in there loves you." Mori says wistfully.

I glance at her. "Yeah, probably. Aside from Hata."

"Aside from Hata." She agrees. "You must admit it is kind of funny watching them clumsily vie for your attention."

"It would be funnier if it wasn't happening to me."

"Maybe. Still, which one would you choose?"

"Yeah, I used to ask myself that a lot, but figured it was a moot point given they're all way out of my league. It's true, but they all keep coming back to my shitty apartment, for some reason."

"No seriously."

"No, seriously."

"Oh come on, you have to have a favorite." Mori wheedles. I notice that she's starting to shiver a bit, my sweater not quite warm enough.

"I don't. I'm not even sure which of them are serious, and... well, I like all of them. They're all great people, I'm just not sure how to feel about them."

She snorts. "They're all serious. Sure, Aria _acts_ like you're some kind of plaything, but she does love you for what you are. In her words, you're 'someone she can be normal around.'"

"Aria's normal is ribbons and bondage gear." I deadpan.

"And is there anything wrong with that?"

"...Yes?"

Mori laughs. "Well, I'm sure if you tell them that you love all of us equally we'll figure out a way to share."

"Not funny." I look up at the stars for a moment, then back at Mori. She's already headed for the stairs, out of comfortable talking range. Hey, did she say we?

* * *

When I finally get the nerve to open my door back up, I find exactly what I expected: Chaos.

Hata has stopped resisting her urge to document, I'll have to steal those SD cards from her later. Suzu is ranting about being treated like a child at work. Kaede is ranting about how the prisoners she deals with are all so creepy, especially the male ones. Aria is somehow making my clothes look perverted, I didn't know t-shirts could be made into boob-tubes. Shino is barking out orders to Uomi, who is barking orders right back. Mori is sitting on my bed, singing softly to my pillow, She got drunk fast.

I wonder how much a hotel costs for the night.

"Okay." I clap my hands, and seven pairs of eyes turn to me. "I'm going to call a few taxis."

"Why?" Protests Uomi. "We just got started!"

"Because, you all need to get up in the morning, just like I do." I say. "Besides, I don't have enough space for all of you to have beds, even if we include the tub."

"I don't have work tomorrow.' Says Shino. "It's Nenechi's day."

"I finished my case." Suzu says, standing up and waving her arms. "I don't have to take on another until I want to!"

Aria flips her hair. "I don't have to be in the office if I don't want to, and Mori is my secretary so she stays."

Uomi shrugs.

Hata says "I wouldn't miss this scoop for the world."

Kaede looks around. "I... guess I can take the day off."

I hold my head in my hands. " _I_ still need to get up tomorrow."

"Hello? Mr. Shikuru? Takatoshi isn't feeling well, so he's not going to be in for work tomorrow." Shino says, her vague slur gone while she deftly calls my boss. I glance at the clock, it's only ten. That shouldn't have been too late.

I grit my teeth. "There's not enough bedding for everyone."

"Dejima? I need four futons. Yes, now. And pillows. Oh, and nothing you specially prepared, I'm not the only one sleeping on them. No not just me and Taka either, it's everyone... no, you may not join." Aria hangs up and beams at me.

Uh, running out of objections. "My landlord has a strict 'no sleepovers' policy. I'll get evicted if you stay here."

"I'll buy you a new house!" Crow both Aria and Suzu at the same time, before glaring at each other.

"I earned my money, Aria."

"I have more of it, Suzu."

"Yours isn't _yours_ it's your company's. Which means that I could sue you for misappropriation of resources."

"I could just use my allowance."

"You know what?" I sigh. "I don't care anymore. I'm going to bed." I flop down on the only real bed in the room.

"First dibs!" Calls Uomi.

"First-, Hey! Second!" Calls Shino.

"Third!" Suzu jumps in.

"Fourth!" Aria grabs her purse and start rummaging through it.

"F-Fifth?" Kaede says it like a a question.

Everyone looks at Mori. "Um... Sixth?"

"Not participating." Hata says. "That would make me complicit." Suspicious, but it's _Hata._ Everything she does is suspicious.

"Okay, so what are the ranking for?" I ask.

Instead of a direct answer, Aria pulls a box out of her purse. "I knew I had this in here. I wonder if fifteen condoms will be enough though."

"That's it. I'm locking myself in the bathroom."

* * *

Not sure if this is an ongoing thing yet. For now, its a oneshot.


	2. Chapter 2: Love Hotel Resort

This chapter brought to you by my Cash Cash playlist.

* * *

Bathtubs are not as comfortable as they make it look in comics.

That's probably obvious, but I've never really had the occasion where I can't sleep in my own bed for fear of being mobbed.

I mean, a part of me likes the idea, but there's five or six years of conditioning to ignore this stuff for my own sanity to actually enjoy it. Glancing at the clock, it's five in the morning. I better get up and get out before everyone else wakes up.

I carefully unlock the door and peek out. Everyone else is strewn about, mostly dressed, and mostly dressed in my clothes still. Looks like I'll be doing laundry extra early this week.

Among the chaos, I spot Hata, still clutching her camera even while fast asleep. That reminds me, I need to take out those SD cards so she can't print those. I carefully step over Shino, who has a death grip on an empty bottle and is murmuring in her sleep. Then I step around Aria, who somehow looks relaxed despite... wait, this is Aria. The bondage gear probably feels comfortable to her. Once beside Hata, I crouch down and start looking for the SD card cover.

I hate to say it, but in the past few years, I had grown used to Hata drunk. She'll cling onto that camera through life and death, and it's futile to try to rip it from her grip. Instead, finding the little SD card and removing that works. it's just a matter of whether she's blocking the slot or not...

I'm in luck. I slide a fingernail under the tab and flip it up, revealing a small purple card. Gently, wishing I had thought to grab a pair of tweezers, I luck the delicate chip out of the camera.

Wow, 64 gigs. Maybe I should format it and keep it. I could use a bit more storage.

As I turn to head back out, Aria lets out a long, low moan.

I stop in my tracks, hoping that she's not waking up. After a few seconds, I slowly resume moving.

Suzu's arm shoots up to a sleepy cry of "NOHT SIGSDEEN! 'M Tweny one!"

Startled, I take half a step back, right onto Uomi.

She reaches out and snags my leg and holds on tight, throwing me to the floor with a loud _bang!_

Slowly, the rest of the girls rise from their slumber, stretching and rubbing their eyes to try to figure out where they are.

"Hey! Tsuda! What in the hell are you doing in there?" A heavy had beats on my door, and then I hear the metal scratch against the lock.

Ah, that'd be the landlord.

I take a look around my apartment. Seven attractive girls, at least three of them faces that are seen on television frequently. All of them are barely dressed in my clothes, and all of us (Aside from Mori) are on the floor. There's lots of sticky liquid on the floor, which I'm going to say is spilled alcohol.

When the landlord opens the door, he stands there speechless. I stare back at him, my hopes of still having a home past today crushed as the veins start to bulge in his forehead.

"Iyaaa, Taka, don't..." Aria mutters, then splays back out on the floor, asleep.

* * *

"So, yeah, I don't have an apartment anymore."

"Aw, don't worry! Your big sis will take care of it!"

"Kotomi, I'm older, not you."

"But I'm the one who's doing all the cool things, and you're homeless!" She crows.

In the background, I can hear a high pitched "What?" from Mutsumi. "Anyway, the reason I called is I wanted to crash at your apartment until I can find a new place."

"Oh, yeah, that does make sense. Sorry, but I sold it."

"...What?"

"Yeah, i needed some more money to buy the champ some dinner, so I sold it."

"What were you going to do when you got back?"

"What's yours is mine, lil' bro. I was gonna crash at your place."

"You're my younger sister, not my older sister. Stop that."

"Is your brother alright?" Comes Mutsumi's voice.

"He's fine, he just got evicted. One of the girls he shacked up with will put him up for the night, so he's fine."

Something approximating the sound of a party balloon speaking comes from the other side of the phone.

"Kotomi, stop making things worse."

"But she's so fun to play with!"

I can't actually deny her that one. Mutsumi _is_ pretty fun to mess with. Not that I'd ever participate in such hurtful actions. Nope. Never.

"No, tell her what actually happened."

"What, that that harem you've been collecting finally made a move and you're too much of a wimp to act on it?"

"Kotomi..."

"Fine, I'll put her on." Much faster than last time, breathing comes from the other end.

"Mutsumi?"

"Are you okay? Do you need a place to stay? I can ask my parents-" The words burst forth like a dam bursting.

"Ah, no, don't worry. I got it covered. Thank you for your offer though." I grin despite myself. "How are you doing? My sister getting to be too much?"

"Kotomi? No, she's very helpful! In fact she just bought us all an expensive dinner the other night, to make sure we're ready for our next fight!"

"That's good, that's good."

"But what about you?" She fires back. "She said you got evicted?"

"Yeah, some of the regulars of the student council met up last night, and some of them got to rowdy. My lease wasn't tolerant of that sort of thing, so..."

"Are you sure you've got a place to stay?"

I think back to the last time I went to Mutsumi's house and involuntarily shudder. "Yes, I'm sure, but thanks for the offer."

"Alright. Talk to you soon!" And with that the phone hangs up. Ah, That really cheered me up.

Of course, now I have to actually figure out what I'm going to do. I could call mom, but I try not to call to ask for favors unless I _really_ need to. I could ask my manager, or Kenji, either of those guys would let me crash for a few nights.

As I was debating who to call first, my phone rings of it's own accord. "Hello?"

"Ah, is this 'Takatoshi Tsuda'?" Comes an unfamiliar male voice from the other end of the line.

"Yes, that is me. Who is this?"

"I'm with Kendo Construction, I just wanted to ask you a few questions about the layout of your house."

"...I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Tsuda, right? We need you to come over and look at some plans for your house."

"I'll... I'll be right over. Er, where is it?"

He gives me an address, and I start walking, since it's not exactly far. When I get to the site, all of the puzzle pieces finally fall back together,

"Aria."

"Oh, there you are!" Aria beams at me, then slides of the hood of her limo. A driver moves to polish her butt-print off the top. I can only pray that that was just due to the cold weather and sweat, and not... well, this is _Aria_ we're talking about. "I was just about to finish up the design. Now that you're here, you can make some decisions!"

I look at the large plot of land behind the vehicle. It looks at least two times bigger than my old house from when I lived with my parents. "Aria, what is going on?"

"I told you I would take care of it." Aria beams at me. "I bought you a house that will accommodate your many visitors."

"Many..." I look at the house. I could probably turn it into an inn of some sort and still feel it was too big. "How many visitors should I be expecting?"

"Well." Aria smiles brilliantly, always a warning sign. "There's me, of course. Shino and Suzu will probably over a lot. Mutsumi, Kaede and..." For once in her life, Aria actually looks a bit disgusted. The expression really doesn't suit her. "I suppose Mori will also be there. Uomi's probably going to set up residence."

"That's still only eight people including me." I point out. "This house could probably hold four times that comfortably."

"Maybe." Aria shrugs and points over my shoulder. "But then we wouldn't have room for the pool."

I turn to find a cement mixer backing up and a slide for the wet concrete leads around the house. "W-what-"

"Come in! I still need you to make some decisions. It's your new home, after all."

* * *

"Let me get this straight." Suzu bits the tip of her straw. "Aria bought you a house."

The quiet coffee shop is, I am told, one that is popular among high-school students. I've never been here before, but Suzu looks like she fits right in... I hope she can't read my mind. "Yeah."

"And inside this house is..." She struggles to find the words. "A... love hotel?"

"Not exactly, but... look if there was an onsen out back, the place would be half inn and half love hotel." I rest my head in my hands. "I thought rotating beds were a joke, but no, they're real."

I can feel her eyes burning into the top of my head. "Did Aria actually raid her collection or something?"

"No!" I sit upright, startling the girl slightly. And some of the other patrons. I can see a waitress giving me the stinkeye. "Er, no. She had everything custom ordered."

"I wish I could say I was surprised." She sucks down some more of her shake. "So, how many bondage themed rooms? I'm going with two."

"Three." My eyes glaze over at the mere thought of the house. "Well, technically, one is a bedroom, but nothing in there looked particularly comfortable."

"Wow. She must _really_ like you." Suzu says in a deadpan. "When she showed me the designs for her new mansion it had four, but that was an entire mansion."

"...I'm not going to touch that one. The reason I called you was I wanted to know what I should do about it."

She shrugs. "Easy. Say no to the house. I'm sure you can find somewhere else to live."

"Yeah, but Aria doesn't ever take no for an answer, does she?"

"Restraining order then?"

"She probably has the connections to get past that." I stare out the window at the busy street. "I don't get why she's so adamant. I told her that the entire thing was unnecessary and that I'd find myself a good apartment somewhere else, and she just ignored me and kept leading me through room after room. Seriously, that place would take at least three people to maintain."

Suzu finishes her shake and glares at me. "I know you're not that dense. She's obviously planning on moving in with you, and possibly that crazy maid of hers."

"And you and Shino and Mutsumi and-"

"She made rooms for us?" Suzu drops her forehead to the table with a thunk. "Uhg, I thought she was joking."

"Um."

"Yeah, back in high school Shino and I occasionally quarreled over who gets to keep you when we got out of school."

 _WHAT?_

"Aria suggested that we all just... 'cohabitate'. I thought she was joking, but... You said the master bedroom has a big bed?"'

I nod. "It rotates too. I'm just glad there wasn't a mirrored ceiling."

"Yeah. I bet she's actually trying to do the cohabitation thing." She swirls the straw around the glass, lost in thought for a moment. "Let me call Shino really quick."

As Suzu presses the screen of her phone a few times, I take a moment to look around me at the rest of the shop. The majority of the patrons are girls, with me being the exception. In addition, the majority of them are high school age. A few of them shoot worried glances over our way, and it dawns on me: I'm unshaven, early twenties, and I'm with what looks like a high school student in a cafe. If I saw me, I'd be suspicious too. Before I really get a chance to dwell on that, Suzu starts talking.

"Ah, Shino. Say, do you know what Aria's up to? Yeah, a big house... No, Tsuda says she gave rooms to you and me and some others."

One of the girls at a neighboring table actually turns around in her seat to look at me in consternation or something. I raise my hands in a gesture that I hope shows "not what you think."

"Yeah, come on over. I'm going to inspect the place for myself." There s a bit of buzzing on the other side of the line. "Well, it would be more convenient to get to the office from there."

Suddenly, I feel the pit of my stomach dropping out. I reluctantly stand up as Suzu organizes her things and prepares to go, heading to the counter to pay for the shake. Once there, the woman behind the counter glares at me.

"I hope it's not what it looks like." She says, a bit of a threat in her voice. "I don't tolerate compensated dating around here."

"Heh. No, that's not... She's Suzu Hagimura, you know, the lawyer. I needed some legal advice." I press a bill on the counter that covers the shake.

"A lawyer? But she's just a shrimp! Don't go telling me lies, boy!"

"Tsuda? What's the hold up?"

I point at the woman. "She said you're too young to be a lawyer."

I see the vein on her forehead pop out, and wisely back towards the door as Suzu winds up and pulls out her credentials.

* * *

"Wow!" Shino bursts into the oversize bedroom. " I like the mirrors on the ceiling! Very love hotel!"

"...Those weren't here three hours ago." I groan.

Shino moves to inspect some of the dressers off alongside one wall and Suzu presses her forehead into the small of my back. "Okay, I knew this was going to be crazy, but has Aria gone even farther off the deep end?"

"What? Why do you say that?" I ask.

"Because back in high school, she never mentioned adding pillories to the room."

"Pillories?" I look around and locate the one object I didn't immediately recognize. "You mean the thing with three holes?"

"Yeah. Head goes in the center, hands in the smaller ones. See how it splits down the center? It opens like a movie clapboard, and you can stick someone in it and lock it down."

"...I'm going to regret asking this, but-"

"Why's it in the room? Well strip someone naked and lock them in, and it fit Aria's tastes."

"...But there's _four_ of them."

We fall into silence, contemplating the sight in front of us. At least until Shino starts shouting excitedly. "Hey! She got my size!"

She turns around to present something that looks like a few bits of ribbon. It's only once she stretches it out that I can see what it is: Crotchless panties. "It looks like she got a pair for everyone."

Suzu peeks out from behind me. "Everyone?"

Shino nods and pulls out another pair and tosses it at the shorter girl. Suzu catches it and splays it out with a grimace.

"And look! Matching bras!"

"Okay, I'll just be leaving now." I turn to go, but Suzu grips at my shirt. When I look back, she has "Don't you dare leave me alone in here" written all over her face. "Or, maybe I'll..." I look up at the ceiling, but I see my own face, slightly red from embarrassment, in the mirrors. I'm actually surprise I still get embarrassed, after what happened in high school.

That's it. I need to talk to the crazy lady.

"Hey, Suzu, you should try yours on." Shino turns towards us brightly. "I'll go get the others, and we can all try them on together."

"The others? What others?"

"Well," Shino starts ticking off names on her fingers. "Uomi is currently making something to eat in the kitchen, Kaede got too flustered and is sleeping in one of the guest rooms, and Aria is talking to the last of the builders."

I raise my hand. "I need to go complain at Aria out of principle."

Suzu nods. "I need to go with him."

"Aw. You're no fun." Shino pouts for a fraction of a second before returning to her normal good cheer. "Oh well. We'll just all use them later tonight."

"Already planning a sleepover?" I mumble to myself.

"No, if we all live here it's not a sleepover." Shino says assertively. "Uomi, Aria and I already picked out our rooms. I figure we're letting Kaede keep the one she's in now, so there's a few rooms left for Suzu to choose from. You'll have to fight it out with Mutsumi and Mori for the better one though."

Suzu sighs heavily. "Why."

"Because, you obviously want the one connected directly to this room. There's only four rooms that connect to this one." Shino says, then points to one of the other doors exiting the room. "By the way, that door leads to my room. Feel free to use it."

"So..." I begin. "I'm assuming this is my room then?"

"Obviously. Who else would need access to the rooms of the pretty girls of the house?"

"The maid."

Shino looks confused. "But I don't want Dejima busting in on us in the middle of the night."

"Good point." Wait, doesn't that mean she expects me to-

"Shino, where's the lettuce you- Oh, hey Suzu, Taka." Uomi pokes her head in. "Checking the place out?"

"Yeah."

Uomi beams. "I like the mirrors on the ceiling. Very love hotel."

* * *

Dinner was an interesting affair. I'm used to eating with a bunch of women, and I'm used to eating with this particular bunch of women. Included around the long table are myself, Shino, Suzu, Aria, Mori, Kaede, and Uomi. I'm sat at the end of the table, with three of them on each side. Shino, Uomi and Aria to my left, Suzu, Kaede and Mori to my right.

They're still making rude jokes, poking each other, and discussing things no man wants to hear. The problem is that for the first time, the house isn't someone else's, but mine. And the main subject they are discussing is how everyone is going to be sleeping in a pile of flesh tonight.

I get it, you're all really open sexually. I still like to think of myself as normal though.

It's a losing battle, I know. Most guys I know don't have six... seven? girls chasing after them, so I've already lost any claim to normalcy.

Maybe if Aria, Uomi and Shino would stop referring to my house as the love shack, I'd be more comfortable.

It is my house, by the way. Aria and I argued over it for fifteen minutes after I had finished my tour of the building. She had, a usual, ignored my complaints and twisted my words with selective hearing and clever double meanings to suit her own needs, primarily setting up a place to fulfill all of her weird fantasies.

When I threatened her with a restraining order, she cheerfully called up a lawyer on her cell phone and handed the phone to me. He and I had a polite conversation that boiled down to "There's pretty much jack shit you can do."

"Tsuda?"

I look up from my food at Mori, one of the two other sane people at the table. Then again, they had both accepted the offer to move in. "What's up?"

"I was thinking. You don't call me by my first name. Can we be on a first name basis like all the others?"

I blink a few times. "Uh, sure. Why not."

She smiles. "Thanks, Taka."

I feel my heart quicken and see the other women at the table start to panic slightly.

"Um!" Uomi clears her throat loudly. "I made dessert! It's chocolate mousse."

Attention rapidly shifts to dessert with a kind of desperation. Privately, I find it kind of funny that they still feel so threatened by Mor- er, Nozomi even when they're all attempting to move in with me on roughly equal standing.

"Thanks for the meal, Sis." I tell Uomi. "It was delicious."

"You're not staying for dessert?"

I shake my head. "I need to clean up and get some stuff down before I go to bed."

I leave the table, and head up to the mirror room. Inside, someone had turned the bed on and it slowly rotates around in circles, Shino's two over-sized teddy bears placed in suggestive positions. Didn't Aria give her one of those, the one tied up in the tortoise-shell pattern? ...And with a ball gag?

I have to get a change of clothes. I grab a plain green tee and a pair of clean, so far unworn boxers, and head for the bath.

I wasn't exaggerating when I was talking to Suzu at the coffee shop. The main bath is almost resort like, with enough space to fit at least four people comfortably, or as Aria put it, "If everyone sits in each other's laps, will can fit everyone who live here in at once!"

After verifying that I am indeed alone (No discarded clothes lying around) I carefully look into the bath and, upon finding it empty, proceed to wash myself off then carefully lower myself into the water, discarding my towel to the side just out of reach. I need to be able to grab it on a moments notice if Aria, Uomi or Shino come in.

I put up an "Occupied" sign, but who knows how effective that will be.

Remarkably effective, it seems, as after fifteen minutes I was still alone in the water. I have to say, actually having my boundaries respected is a new feeling. It really shouldn't, but it does.

I really should be getting out, the others are probably waiting their turn.

This is when the door opens. "Hey, Taka, are you still in here?"

"...Kaede?"

The brown haired girl's eyes latch onto my face and a slight blush comes to her face as I hurriedly grab the towel and tuck it around my waist. thankfully, she's got a modesty towel on as well. "Oh, you are in here." She nods to herself. "I wanted to ask you some questions."

"It can't wait?"

She shakes her head, and heads over to the wall mounted shower head. "Wait until I s-scrub myself down and get in."

She's forcing herself. The stutter was a dead giveaway, but I had already heard the hesitation in her voice. "I'll face away, don't worry."

"T-Thanks."

A few minutes later and Kaede slips into the water. Her face is already burning red, and I quietly pray she won't pass out. "S-so. I needed to talk to you."

"I'm listening." Staring at the thankfully un-mirrored ceiling, but listening.

"Are you really going to live here with all of us?"

I sigh. "Well, I don't really see a good reason not to. It would be really ungrateful."

"All of those girls out there like you." I hear the water shift as she moves. "And you're still the only guy I really get along with."

"Yeah."

"If you had to marry one of us, who would you choose?"

I think to myself for a few minutes before answering. "Honestly? Probably Suzu. I've spent more time with her than anyone else over the past five years." I look down at the blushing girl. "No offense."

"None taken. I kind of assumed it wasn't me anyway." She slips lower into the water. "I am surprised you didn't pick Nozomi."

"Yeah?"

"Mmhmm. Everyone and their mother can see how compatible you two are. Shino tells me that the first time you met you had already given her your home address and had a comfortable atmosphere going."

"Well, that's because her introduction didn't involve getting strangled by my own tie, kicked by a flying shoe, A conversation about hymen shapes, or a severe case of androphobia." I explain. "Also, I didn't need to tsukkomi her every three seconds."

"That would do it, wouldn't it." Kaede says glumly. "And here I am, still afraid of guys touching me."

"Well, you managed to get in here with me, which is... really extreme, now that I think about it. Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine." She grumbles. "What are you planning on doing about sleeping though?"

"I think I don't have much of a choice but to use the giant mirror room." I shake my head. "Hopefully, I'll be able to get a decent amount of sleep despite the size of the room. I have work tomorrow."

"Hmm. I do to." Kaede sighs again and closes her eyes. "This bath feels great."

"I agree."

"...Are you really worried you're not going to get enough sleep because the room is too big?"

I snort. "No. I'm worried I'm not gonna get enough sleep because there's going to be five people fighting five feet from me all night, not to mention copious amounts of physical contact."

"As long as you know what you're in for."

"Mmm."

I get out of the bath first, leaving Kaede to soak in peace. I throw on the clothes I had previously selected and head for the dreaded mirror room.

It's empty. Both of people and furniture. During the day, with more people in here, it didn't feel this cavernous. The one room is bigger than my entire old apartment. I head to the bed, stop the rotation after fiddling with the controls for a minute, move the teddy bears out of the center of the bed, and flop down.

In the dim light, I can just make out my outline in the mirrors above me.

My life since high school has been odd. It's been outrageous, full of double-entendres, and just plain crazy. Yet, this whole house situation clearly takes the cake in terms of ridiculousness.

Damn, it's kind of lonely in here. It feels like I shrunk.

At least, until there's a commotion outside my door and it suddenly bursts open to deposit a pile of girls onto the carpet.

Shino gets off the floor first. "I told you to stop pushing!"

Aria smiles. "But we left them in here. If I didn't push, we would have to wait until tomorrow."

Suzu extracts herself from under Nozomi. "Which would have been fine! We can wait another day."

"But we've already interrupted him." Kaede says. "So we might as well."

Uomi heads right over to the dressers and starts collecting bits of purple string. "Either way, we should get them now."

Nozomi smiles at me wanly. "Sorry about the intrusion."

I slowly cover my face with my hand. "Well, I can't say it feels too big anymore.,,"


	3. Chapter 3: Peanut Butter

Seitokai Yakuindomo: Or, Girls are perverts with no off switch on their mouths, and they all latch onto the only decent male they encounter on a regular basis.

*cough*

Tsuda is a lucky bastard. I'm not bitter. I'm not in denial. You know, I don't _have_ to write this chapter.

* * *

Smothered.

Thankfully, I can move, as it's not physical smothering. At least, not anymore. I had managed to shift Shino off of my chest sometime around midnight without touching anything I probably shouldn't.

After coming in to retrieve the purple lingerie, the girls had decided as a group (protests were quickly silenced via _fondling_ ) that since I was awake, and they had the clothing, they might as well sleep in here. Thankfully, they left to change into the small garments.

Note that I had predicted this back in the bath with Kaede, and I wasn't really that surprised. I was actually a bit grateful at the time due to how much less empty the room felt once it was crowded.

No, the smother comes from the heat. despite the size of the room, it's stifling in here. I'm not sure if the heater was set to something that environmentalists would actively protest or just the sheer number of bodies in the room, but it's almost choking me up.

I need a breath of fresh air.

I carefully extract myself from the pile on the bed, which had been turned off for the night (thank god) and head out the door. When I exit, I think I hear a faint whimper, but that had to have been my imagination. Otherwise I'd feel too guilty.

It's only a few turns to get to the balcony, and the outside air is crisp and cool. The moons sits high in the sky, casting pale light onto the surrounding area. Down a floor and maybe twenty feet away, the gate to the house sits. The walls on either side are about eight feet high, serving as privacy barriers for the first floor. From the gate, a path extends right to the front door below me. On either side of the path is a small spot for a garden, currently devoid of plant life being late November.

"Can't sleep?"

I turn around to see Mor- Nozomi. "Ah, it was a bit stifling in there."

"Mmm." She steps up beside me on the balcony and rests her elbows on it. The moonlight highlights the curve of her back. "So, what do you think of the house?"

"It's huge. I haven't even seen some of the rooms yet; I've basically just gone from the bedroom to the kitchen and the living space. I know that there's a pool off to the left coming in the door, but other than that..."

She nods."I barely can find my way around either. Aria tried to give us a tour, but all she showed us was several rooms set up for... _kinky_ things."

"That's Aria alright." I lean my back against the sliding door, spreading the cold through my body even faster. A shiver overcomes me. "You know, I'm pretty sure Aria just designed a house she wanted, and when I got kicked out, she decided to give it to me as some sort of twisted game."

Nozomi's hair sways in the slight breeze. "Three days ago, this lot was home to a run down food store. The owner was about to retire anyway, so Aria bought the land for ten times what it is worth and threw tons of money at the right contractors to get this done overnight."

I shiver again, but I'm not quite sure that it's the cold this time. "Rich people are scary."

"Especially when they're your boss." She agrees, then hugs her shoulders. "It's cold out here."

"Especially when you're only wearing a lacy bra and panties." I say.

"...erk." She blushes and heads inside, and I follow right after.

"I'm kind of surprised that you actually agreed to wear that." I comment distantly. "I know Uomi, Aria and Shino are a bit pushy but you're one of the few Tsukkomis that I know, and should be able to resist."

"W-well..." Nozomi looks down at herself, and blushes again. "I know you're not stupid, Takatoshi. You know all of those girls like you. If I don't follow along, I'll be left behind."

"...Yeah." I look to the side in embarrassment. "I'm really blessed aren't I?"

She shoots me an amused look. "At least you admit it."

"Ah, I forgot." I turn towards her and make a 45 degree bow. "I'm sorry!"

She blinks at me a few times. "For what?"

"Because I said some careless things, you got tied up in a ribbon and forced to come to my apartment."

"...ah, yes. That _was_ embarrassing, but I'm over it. After all, I'm not really wearing much more at the moment." She pokes her own cheek in thought. "Does that make me weird?"

"You're still more normal than anyone else in this house." I tick them off on my fingers. "We've got Uomi and Shino, both perverts. Aria, the super pervert. Suzu's a genius, Kaede's afraid of all men-"

"Aside from you."

"-aside from me." I amend. "Which puts you squarely in the normal category, as far as I'm concerned."

"Back in high school, I wouldn't have been able to face you looking like this." She says. "But I think a bit too much of Uomi's personality ended up on me."

"It's probably why I'm not freaking out about this situation either." I laugh a bit. "Heh, aside from the fact that everyone's gotten a bit older, I could almost pretend I was back in school on some 'Student Council Holiday Retreat' or whatever Shino made up. As usual, Aria's footing the bill and injecting her depravity into everything, and the rest of us keep getting dragged along by the coat tails."

"...Wait, so Uomi wasn't exaggerating when she said that you used to sleep with your student council?"

"I hope you mean slept in the same room and not _slept with_ slept with." I deadpan. "My poor heart couldn't take it."

She scratches her arm. "Well, Uomi did leave it a bit ambiguous."

We get to the kitchen, and I grab myself a glass of water. Nozomi does the same, and we sit down at the table.

"What else do Uomi say?" I ask.

"A lot of things. I wrote them off as jokes or her imagination-"

"A safe bet, no matter the student council president."

She smiles. "Yes, we seem to share a lot of problems in school, you and I."

"I bet that didn't help." I say absently.

"Help what?"

"Oh, well, it seems that everyone else currently in my bed-" What a sentence. "-was making sure you weren't able to meet me. Seems they all figured you and I had great chemistry from the beginning." I poke the table. "Aria said she hired you to keep an eye on you."

She blinks at me. "Wow. I'm flattered, I think."

I suck down the rest of my water. "Actually, it seems they were right." I say softly. "After all, you're here right now and... I'm going to make the assumption and say that you probably love me."

"Safe assumption." She smiles wryly. "If you want to know, I fell for you in the third year of high school."

Oh, this is interesting. I pour myself another glass instead of putting the glass in the sink. "Really?"

"Yes. When Ousai and Eiryou had the joint culture fair, and we had that horrible play that Suzu's friend thought up."

"Nene? Oh, good lord. Yes, the crowd loved the animatronics, but did they need to be anatomically accurate?"

Nozomi shakes her head. "Especially the dragon. I was near it's... _thing_ for a good half of the play."

"Wait, so when I recued you from the dragon-"

She smirks. "Yes, I was saved for real, not just as per script. It sounds cheesy but I felt you were the one dependable person in my life at that moment, and... well, here I am."

"I don't pretend to know your affairs, but if your vice president-hood went like mine did, I WAS the only dependable person you knew." I rest my head on the table. "There's something wrong with Ousai students."

"And Eiryou's."

* * *

I eventually got back to bed, got a few hours of sleep and woke up around eight. By then, most everyone else had left.

After all, they all have jobs.

I know they all have jobs, so waking up to find five separate notes telling me that they'd left for work and what time they'd be home is probably overkill. Aria and Nozomi could have at least shared a note, given they work in the same place.

Currently, I'm attempting to watch the news on a screen twice as wide as my old one, the remaining member of my new housemates sitting less beside and more on me.

"Sis, I can't see the TV."

"You don't need to, just look at me."

"...The back of your head is very..." I deadpan. "hair-filled."

She leans to the side enough that I can see the screen. "Come on, today's a day off for me. I want to go on a date!"

"As far as I know, you _only_ have off days. Since I don't even know if you have a job. Also, _I_ have work today, so I can't afford to spend all day with you today." I reply, focusing on the TV.

Shino's standing in front of a camera, same as most days. She looks slightly happier than usual. "...In other news, there's been reports that public indecency is on the rise." The camera focuses on three police cars just behind Shino. "As you can see, the police are here to arrest who they suspect is behind the recent streaking incidents in the local mall and the new years' parade."

"I wonder if it's anyone I know." I ponder aloud.

Uomi looks back at me. "Do you usually hang out with perverts?"

Yes, because they invade my private space. "No, I guess not."

The camera focuses in suddenly as the police lead someone out of the building. One thing is for certain, it's nobody I know. The reason?

The suspect is clearly male. I don't know any male perverts.

On that sobering thought, Shino starts speaking again. "This is just one of potentially dozens of criminals currently exposing themselves in public. According to trusted sources, there's been couples exposing themselves to... gether. Hata, what is that?"

The picture on the screen has changed. instead of being the scene of the arrest, there's a picture of two half-naked people on a balcony. A man and a woman, but they're faces can't be seen. I have time to think _Hey, this house looks similar to that one_ and _Hey, isn't the woman wearing purple underwear?_ before both Shino and I realize what happened at the same time.

The camera cuts back to the scene of the arrest, and is shaking around as Shino moves up and grabs the cameraman, who I assume is Hata. "Tell me the truth, Hata. Where were you last night?"

"Ararara. I have no idea what you're talking about. Why, does that image seem familiar to you?"

"Wha-"

At this point, They cut back to the newsroom and the other reporters hurriedly scramble to regain their composure.

Uomi looks back at me. "That's my Taka. Always raising the bar on society. And you even managed to get Nozomi to join you!" She gives me a thumbs up. "Nice job!"

I'm going to kill Hata.

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay?" My boss looks at me askance. "You look a little pale."

"Well, I lost my home." I continue restocking the front of the counter while my boss looms over the counter. "And I got a new place, but it's shared with a lot of people, primarily women."

My boss's name is Yoshida Hiroji. He's a pretty cool guy, and is about as fair a boss as you could hope for. "Wow. Lucky bastard, aren't you?"

"Yeah." I snort. "I'm so lucky it's gonna make me sick. That or send me to jail."

"What?" Hiroji blinks down at me. "Sent to jail? Are they running some sort of drug or smuggling operation where you moved?"

I shake my head and move to the next rack. "No... no drugs." I don't know what shady stuff Aria's into, but I'm going to say she does mostly legal trading at her company, for my own sanity.

"Well, that sucks for you." He slaps me on the shoulder. "Hey, have you seen the news? They caught a few of those perverts that have been running around."

I involuntarily shrink into myself.

"Hey... wait, that picture that they showed on TV earlier, that wasn't-"

The doorbell rings, and I quickly stand up and start restocking elsewhere as the Hiroji starts helping the customer. At least, that was the plan until a finger tapped on my shoulder.

Hata, complete with a shiny new bruise on her cheek, looks up a me with dead eyes. "One compress, please."

"Next time, don't take pictures outside my house without permission." I grumble just loud enough for her to hear, then grab a box of the gel pads for her.

"Noted." She says calmly. "But I want my SD card back first."

"I already deleted the data." I lie.

"64 Gigabytes is a large amount of pictures. I only have one other card to spare right now, so I want it back." She opens the box and pulls out one of the pads, deftly pressing it onto her cheek.

"...I'll get it back to you-"

"Tonight, 10 PM, your house." She says. "I'll be waiting. If you don't meet me, who knows what pictures I'll take?"

I grumble. but wave her to head to the counter to pay.

I wonder what she's up to?

* * *

Arriving home, I was hit by a hurricane.

Rather, I was almost blown away by the sheer intensity of the "Welcome home!" Of seven people yelling as loud as they can.

"Okay," I say as I catch myself. "I get that you're all happy to see me, but why even Dejima?"

"As a maid, it is my duty to greet you." she says with her eyes turned down as suits a maid.

"You're not my maid."

"But she is mine!" Aria beams.

"And the reason the rest of you are dressed like maids?" I ask.

"Um." Shino speaks up. "Because I thought it would be fun."

I quickly turn around, but I don't see any sign of Hata. That doesn't mean she's not there, but it's at least a tiny bit reassuring.

I turn back to the house and stride in. "I need a drink." This whole situation is absurd, and it's giving me a headache.

"Right away!" Shino and Suzu head back into the kitchen area.

"...Are you training to be maids?" I ask Kaede.

"Actually, SHino wwanted to try being a maid, and Dejima brought out a few spare uniforms-"

"In your sizes."

Kaede shakes her head. "It's better not to ask."

"I don't need to ask; It's Dejima. Why is everyone else wearing them?"

Kaede raises her fingers to do air quotes. "'I refuse to lose the battle of love!'"

I nod and head into the living area: a nicely furnished area with plenty of seating. Instead of actually sitting down, everyone else crowds around behind the back of the sofa. I glare up at them. "Sit."

Obediently, Kaede, and Nozomi sit on either side of me. Lacking space to crowd around me, Uomi decides to lie down across all of our laps. Aria and Dejima remain standing, with Dejima whispering something into Aria's ear. A creeping feeling of dread spreads down my spine as Aria's eyes light up.

She stands in front of me. "I refuse."

"...Refuse?"

"I refuse to sit." Aria looks proud of herself.

I shake my head. "Okay. Suit yourself."

Aria's smile breaks. Good, I'm not following her script. "No, you have to punish me. I'm disobeying an order."

"And I bet you want your punishment to involve one of those rooms with all the medieval torture devices?"

Her eyes light back up. "Oh, no, that would be horrible! But if you insist..."

"Alright, your punishment is to stay in your own room alone tonight." I say, then I say to Nozomi (who has trapped my arm) "Can you get the remote?"

For the first time since I've met her, Aria looks truly flummoxed. "B-but I'm not into abandonment pl-"

"Your drink, master." Shino places a bottle of beer in front of me. Before I can even ask, Kaede grabs the drink from the table and hold it up to my lips.

Suzu pops from behind the couch with another beer.

What is this.

I literally can't move because I'm covered in women, to the point they're acting as my arms and legs.

I glance up at Aria, and choose to ignore her eyes gaining a tiny spark of hope. Is this how the rich live? Somehow, I can picture Aria's father living this way, and Aria thinking this is normal. Actually, that would explain a few things. It wouldn't explain any of the rest of the group though.

The doorbell rings, and... I'm still stuck under a pile of girl. Dejima heads off to the front door. For a second, I consider everyone who knows who lives here right now. My boss, my sister, and... Hata. ...I haven't had a chance to erase the card yet.

 _CLICK_

I twist around as much as I can to see Hata standing in the doorway to the living area from the hall, holding her camera up to one eye. She lowers it as I watch, and uses one of her index fingers to prop up the corner of her mouth. This is the closest Hata gets to a smirk. "Several top celebrities found dressing in maid outfits for man: What blackmail does he have over them?" She says in a calm, steady voice.

"Someone stop her before we actually end up all over the news." I groan.

* * *

After handing the memory card back (And wiping all of Hata's memory cards she had on her and the one I had taken) Hata was invited to stay for dinner.

Dinner is an awkward affair, seeing as the only two sitting down are Hata and myself. Everyone else is too bust fussing about getting food done.

"I suppose this will buy you a week." Hata murmurs to herself, looking at all the food.

"'Buy us a week?' What are you talking about?"

Hata looks me right in the eye. "I'll stop taking pictures of you and your harem for one week."

"It's not a..." I start, but I can't in good faith, finish. "Wait, only a week?"

She fold her arms and nods decisively. "All of these ladies' involvement with you is the biggest scandal I've had the chance to report. I will publish it once I get good evidence, but I will refrain from taking that evidence for a week."

I turn to Suzu, hovering right behind my shoulder. "Can't we do something about her?"

"Welll..." Suzu brushes some imaginary dust from her uniform. "If we had a recording-"

"Ah." Hata reaches into her purse and pulls out a recorder. She then presses tow buttons, and an electronic voice says "Audio deleted." "I forgot to erase the rest of the evidence."

I rest my head in my hands.

* * *

Fortunately, everyone but Dejima changed into simple clothes after dinner. Ousai is apparently holding some sort of reunion thing, and since the former president, secretary, treasurer, and disciplinary head are here it allows for Hata to get information to publish about the event.

I'm the former vice-president, but I guess that doesn't rate as valuable for whatever reason. I just hope that if it involves me, Suzu will keep them in reasonable check.

"What are your plans for the rest of the evening?" Uomi asks.

I scratch my stubble. I really should shave that, it's almost beard now. "I was planning on watching TV."

"I have a better idea."

I keep my face neutral. "Rejected."

"I haven't even said it yet!"

I glare at her. "How long have I known you?"

She pouts. "Then, what do I do with all of the peanut butter I bought?"

"Just... save it for sandwiches?" Nozomi asks warily.

Uomi's brow furrows. "I don't think I can get the hair out of it properly."

"Why-" I clap my hand over Nozomi's mouth.

"No, throw that out. Surely, if you bought a lot of peanut butter, not _all_ of it is contaminated?" I say hopefully.

Uomi brightens. "Suzu's parents still have that dog, right?"

Both Nozomi and I recoil slightly.

"What? I'm sure a dog won't mind some hair in his peanut butter." Uomi says happily.

Nozomi pries my hand from her mouth. "Please... I don't want to know, but I have to, the curiosity's killing me. What did you do with the peanut butter?"

Uomi beams at her former vice-president. "I took a hair from each of us and made a giant peanut butter pie with them in it. If Taka eats it, he'll have a little bit of all of us in him."

My stomach twists, though I'm not sure if its because of the contents of the pie or being forced to eat an entire pie's worth of peanut butter. That's what, three or four jars? "Er, how is that a replacement for watching TV? You suggested it as an alternative."

"Well, it takes a long time to eat that much peanut butter." Uomi says. "I wouldn't be surprised if it made you throw up at least once..." She stops for a second. "And you might throw up the hairs. That would defeat the point, so I'll have to figure something else out. With that, my self proclaimed older sister leaves Nozomi and I alone in the hall.

"TV?" She asks.

"TV."

Nozomi takes up her position next to me on the couch, pinning my left arm down. This time, Kaede isnt pinning down my right, so I can still grab the remote myself.

The news is on, apparently nobody's had the chance to change the channel from this morning. I press the channel button to chance to a comedy channel. Right now, one of those absurd game shows where they put participants through a wringer is on.

The current participant is crawling through a translucent plastic tube that rotates quickly, tossing him around like he's in a twenty foot deep washing machine. As we watch, the host of the show hits a button and foam sprays into the tube, obscuring his view and ours.

"What is the point of that?" Nozomi asks. "What's he doing?"

"I think they offer a money prize on this one." I say. They go through the crazy obstacle course, and if they win they get some money."

The participant completely loses his footing and is now being flushed out the end he entered by the foam. He is dumped into a pit of goop colored a bright pink, which is thick enough to cling to him, plaster his clothes to his body, and generally make even us viewers feel like we need a good shower.

"Wow, I'd hate to be him." I mutter, sealing my fate. "Though, I do have to admit that I could use a large chunk of money right about now."

Shino, who had just entered the room, claps her hands together. "Hey! I know him!" She points at the host of the show next time he appears on screen. "I work with him sometimes! I bet if I ask nicely, we can all be participants on the next episode!"

Someday, I'll learn. Probably.

* * *

I think I really, really suck at comedy. This fic is so much harder to write than my other ones.


	4. Chapter 4: Inexplicably Sticky Clothes

Sorry for the double upload: I can't do math at 2 AM.

* * *

A light shines on my face.

"Welcome, Everyone! On today's episode of 'Bumper Feud,' we have some special guests!" The host greets the camera. "I'm Fukishou Tamagari, your host."

How did I end up here?

Ah, yes Shino went and did something annoying again. Of course, she means well, but...

The host continues his pre show spiel while I look around. This show has eight contestants, who have to make it through ridiculous trials to be the last pair standing (groups of two, for four teams total) and win the grand prize. So, there's eight contestants. Obviously, I'm one of them, or they wouldn't be pointing that massive spotlight at my face. The rest of my... I hate to say it, but _harem_ are here as well. Shino knows Fukishou on a personal basis, so she asked if she could set up a special version of the show. He had agreed, and well, one of her stipulations was that should would be here. Aria, being one of the richest ladies in the country, is well know, and Suzu's making a name for herself. There's one more famous person, but I'll get to that.

Uomi, Nozomi, Kaede and I are partners to those famous people, There had been arguing over who was to go with who, but in the end it boiled down pretty predictably. Shino and Uomi were the most surprising, but the two _do_ work really well together. They're so much on the same wavelength that I feel they should have been born twins.

I may have to look into that, though that thought is scary to imagine.

Kaede and Suzu are working together, since they're both legal personnel, and Aria and Nozomi are the third team.

The host steps back to introduce the teams to the crowd and the studio audience. "Today's show's theme is Boss-Subordinate relations! We've got some famous bosses ad some famous subordinates, and we're gonna see how well they can work together. First up, we have Shino Amakusa, the reporter, and the news-station coordinator, Chihiro Uomi."

That's not her real job. I don't think Uomi has a job. They're both lying out their asses. I resist heaving a sigh on camera, and my partner looks at me curiously.

They wave to the camera, and the crown inside the auditorium starts cheering. The host continues. "Next, we have the lovely Aria Shichijou and her secretary, Nozomi Mori." Nozomi bows politely, and Aria hefts her assets, bringing in cheers from all the horny guys. She definitely enjoying all the stares. At least they balance each other out? "Our third group this evening is The legal Duo, the lawyer Suzu Hagimura and the Bailiff Kaede Igarashi."

The two wave reservedly, but they still get cheers. When I look over, I can't help but notice that Suzu is currently on a small platform that raises her height about three inches to not look quite so short next to Kaede.

Lastly, the light in my face brightens and a fix a smile for the camera. "Last, but not least, The recent rising star of the Judo club, Mutsumi Mitsuba, and her Agent, Takatoshi Tsuda!"

Yes, Mutsumi had been dragged into this. Uomi wanted to bring Hata into the competition, but Shino has rejected that on the basis that Hata would be working with her which left Uomi and myself on a team, and how would that fit the theme?

Mutsumi waves to the (currently invisible, what with the spotlights in my eyes) crowd with startling enthusiasm. It seems she's really gotten used to standing on the stage. I wave half-heartedly beside her, hoping against all hope that this will be a short game for me. Though having the most athletic girl I know as my partner probably means that I have very little chance of getting off that easily.

Fukishou brings the microphone in close. "Mutsumi, you're really gaining popularity these days." He then extends the microphone out.

Mutsumi's grin seems to split her face. "Yup! I've had quite a few great fights recently, and I can't wait for the next one?"

The host looks amused and pokes the microphone my way. "Tsuda, when is that next match?"

Thankfully, I had discussed this with Mutsumi in the break room before the show started. "December fourth." I say calmly.

"And who is the next challenger?"

In a move we had practiced beforehand, we look at each other, back at the camera, and say "It's a secret!"

The crowd cheers some more, and the Host walks back to the Legal duo to ask them some questions.

I lean heavily on the podium I'm stuck behind and again resist the urge to sigh. I could be put on camera at any moment, I can't afford to look bored or annoyed.

Mutsumi leans in to whisper into my ear. "This is so exciting!"

I whisper back an agreement I don't really feel. If this was a single person game rather than a team thing, I'd drop out right after a few obstacles. As it stands, dropping out would mean Mutsumi would have a severe handicap of being the entire team, which isn't fair since if she wins I'd still get some of the prize money. So I had to at least hold up my end of the bargain.

The host finishes questioning the rest of the contestants, and the show truly begins. The stage splits apart, and the podiums start sinking into the floor. This is normal, since this entire building was apparently designed for these ridiculous game shows. Shino had said that the place cost a fortune to make, but since it was one of the best game shows around, it actually made back the ridiculous cost.

A tower rises up out of the center of the stage, coming to a stop when the top is about thirty feet up. Eight ropes drop down, and I notice that there are climbing studs on the side of the tower. Which are spinning. And then jets come up out of the stage as well and start shooting streams of foam seemingly at random, but generally at the tower.

He doesn't even have to say anything, I know we're going to have to climb that. It looks like there's more than one way we're allowed to climb, as those rocks won't be much use if you're also holding onto the rope.

Fukishou goes on to explain that the first participant to get to the top gets eight points, the second gets seven, and so on until the last person gets two points, and the one who never makes it to the top gets one point.

Ah, I think I forgot to mention. We're all dressed in regular clothes, t-shirts and shorts. I understand that these things get messy, and It would probably suck to wear a skirt in some of the challenges. I'm not going to comment on how hard Shino was attempting to push bloomers to Fukishou before the show.

Somehow, I feel like that's going to be me. The host directs us to stand in several spots around the tower, on opposite sides as our partner. On my left is Aria, who looks highly amused by the foam jets, and on my right is Shino. She smacks her fists together. "I'm gonna crush you, vice-pres."

"Not on your life, pres." I say, looking at the rope. If there's one thing I could possibly beat Shino at nowadays, it was my physical prowess. And hey, as long as I don't get dead last, Mutsumi and I actually have a decent shot of earning a bunch of points this round.

"GO!"

Everyone races to grab their rope or hit the wall, and I start climbing. Instead of trying to find purchase on the slippery, foam coated wall, I start shimmying up the rope. I lock my arms down, pull my feet up to my chest, and then stretch my hands up, inching up the rope.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Aria attempting to scale the wall by planting her feet on the wall and using the rope to haul her body up. That would be a good idea, if the wall wasn't covered in... My hands suddenly feel slimy.

I look up to see that the rope had begun to foam. Not like the foam was dripping down, but like there is tubing inside spurting out foam. Actually, that's probably completely right.

In any case, the rope is not a lot harder to maintain a grip on. My hands slide a bit even as I think, and I realize that I might be in trouble.

"And the first to make it to the top is Mutsumi!" Fukishou announces. The crowd cheers.

What surprises me next is- "Second to reach the top, Uomi!"

Oh, crap. I look at Shino. She's scaling the rocks like a rock wall, ignoring the rope completely. She doesn't seem to be bothered by the rotating handholds and footholds, constantly shifting her weight around and always moving her limbs to snag a new foothold before she loses her grip.

If she makes it up ahead of me, Uomi and Shino will have a tie with us Some spark of competitive spirit rises up inside me. I start scaling the rope with a new determination.

Until Shino suddenly stars coming over at a diagonal, interfering with my space. It makes it a bit hard to scrabble up a rope when someone keeps kicking at the bottom of the rope. It's clearly on purpose, but I figure interference must be allowed.

Also, two can play at that game. I swing on the rope and bump into my former boss, and she narrows her eyes.

'Number three, Kaede!"

"Number four, Nozomi!"

"Number five, Suzu!"

Shino and I are neck and neck, almost at the top. We're definitely slowing each other down, or else I don't think Suzu would ever have beaten me.

One last push towards the top! I push upwards with my legs and stretch my hand up-

I got the railing! The railing around the outer rim! My other hand swings up, and I start hauling myself up and over, swinging a leg up, and desperately rolling over on top of the platform-

"Number six, Takatoshi, and Number seven right behind him, Shino!"

Out of curiosity, I peer over the edge to find Aria sprawled on the ground spread eagle, covered in foam. She seems happy in any case, so who am I to judge?

* * *

There's a commercial break, and everyone is given a brief moment to plan their next move. See, the next zone is going to be a combination question and obstacle course. Each team will be given two questions, and then once solved the answers would have to be retrieved from the other side of an obstacle course. This is complicated by the fact that each question is only revealed once the previous answer is correctly gotten.

Right now, the points sit at:  
11 for Mutsumi and I  
10 for Suzu and Kaede  
9 for Shino and Uomi  
and bringing up the rear, 6 points for Aria and Nozomi.

However, this next event...

While the commercials are still going, the host told us all how the scoring works. Both partners will need to solve one problem, and then send the other to grab an answer, which is written on a cube about a foot in all dimensions. Again, the points stack up the same way as last round.

This worries me. Out of the former Ousai student council, I was certainly the least intelligent. Aria and Shino are pretty smart, and Suzu's a literal genius. Nozomi and Uomi were also very good from all of Shino's accounts. From what I remember, Kaede wasn't a slouch either. For our team...

Mutsumi continues to stare right at my face, a pleasant smile on hers. She almost failed her last math test, didn't she? The one that would mean she'd have to retake third year?

I have the distressing feeling that we're going to come in last in this particular competition.

The commercial break ends and the host starts chattering away at the camera again. He's talking to Aria and Nozomi about something, but I ignore them is favor of watching the stage rise up.

Instead of a vertical climb, this course is horizontal. There's two main platforms. One with cubes on them, one with the problems. In between the platforms is a pit of foam blocks like they have in gyms where they train gymnasts and three oddly angled platforms on poles between the platforms. As I watch, the oddly angled platforms start to rotate, meaning the angle is constantly shifting.

Alright, once the competition is over, I'm going to interrogate Shino and ask where the studio gets its funding from. If the answer is Aria-

"Ladies and gentlemen!" The announcer cuts off my train of thought.

Oh well. I smile wanly at Mutsumi and prepare for the worst.

* * *

"What... What was with those questions!" I pant. Damn, those foam cubes are hard to move through.

Mutsumi still looks confused. "I get that one about tigers, but why is a tonne of feathers more than a tonne of lead? Lead is clearly heavier."

I shake my head. "No, not heavier, they both weigh a single tonne. The correct result was neither." I should have expected riddles. These are supposed to be relatively easy, as this competition is supposed to be able to be played by anyone. Difficult math would be crazy.

Mutsumi frowns at me. "That seems wrong."

"Thus, it's the challenge question." I look dismally at the "Lead" block in her hands.

As predicted, the other teams had an advantage over us in the smarts department, but the moving platforms allowed us to have at least a few points. 3 and 1, bringing our total to 15.

Kaede and Suzu did well. Their team has a good balance between physical and mental what with Suzu's brains and Kaede's surprising athletics. I guess if you have to be able to arrest someone in court, you have to be athletic. Kaede brought back their first cube to snag eight points, and Suzu managed to snag the fifth spot bringing them to 22 points.

Shino and Uomi got 3rd and 7th places, and Nozomi and Aria ("It's unfair that they can move like that with their centers of balance off by so much." - Shino) got 2nd and 4th.

The scoreboard for the last event looks like this:  
In a complete reversal, team Legal in front with 22 points  
Aria and Nozomi have 18 points  
Shino and Uomi in 3rd with 17 points,  
And we're suddenly in last with 15.

Actually, this isn't that bad. This way, the game is relatively close and still interesting to play. We'll probably both need to be in the top half to win, but it's still feasible.

So, it's time to find out what the last challenge is!

A vat of green goo is rolled in from the side and eight diving boards are erected. I've actually seen this before. Everyone gets on one of the boards, and they go around asking questions in turn. If you get it wrong, your board tilts into the goo pit. If you answer correctly, everyone's but yours and your partner's tilts a bit. The boards themselves are slippery and it's hard to maintain your grip on them. Unlike the first two events, points are assigned loser first, meaning that the first person to drop into the pool gets one point, second gets 2, etc.

I wonder what the questions will be like? We're instructed to climb onto our boards and given two water balloons.

Aria, next to me, laughs at my blank stare. "Those are to make sure we don't grab the sides." She gives her ballons a few squeezes, somehow managing to make the gesture erotic. I think it was the lip licking. If you had asked me three days ago, I would have wanted a copy of the video for _research_ purposes but as it stands...

The host gives his spiel and turns to us contestants. "Are you all ready?"

We all cheer, and I hope I don't look too forced.

"Who was Bram Stoker?" He wrote Dracula.

"What kind of plant grows on a sloth?" Algae.

The host goes around a few times and the platforms rise slightly every other question. With the first round of easy questions, everyone gets elevated roughly evenly. We also get our first knockout four questions in when Shino attempts to stand up to show off and slides into the pit of goo for her troubles.

Honestly, watching the look of terror on her face as her foot slides out from under her is worth suffering the rest of the competition.

From that point on, the competition heats up.

Kaede is the next to go, by virtue of accidentally popping one of her balloons in her grip when the host gets too close to her, which prompted the host to press a button and drop her into the goo.

"What does RAM stand for in computer terms?" Random Access Memory.

"How long do bottlenose dolphins live in the wild on average?" 30-50 years.

Nozomi answers a problem wrong and losses her fight against gravity on the question "What is the average delay on the bullet train?" (Answer's about forty seconds.)

The next few rounds go by in a blur, the time to answer steadily shrinking. The questions are from all walks of life, from politics to daily life to anime and manga.

Surprisingly, the next to go is Suzu. She is asked a question about an anime or all things. It's very specific, and I'm not surprised she missed it. Coupled with two rounds of other people getting mostly correct answers and she is dumped into the goo. WIth that, the Legal team retires with 28 points.

Uomi is asked a question pertaining to international politics. "Who is the current head of the EU?"

She stalls for a moment, but I watch her out of the corner of my eye as a grin spreads across her face. "Oh well." She relaxes and slides down her platform creating a small wave at the bottom. Somehow, the goo doesn't seem to slow her down much as she takes a lap around the pool before getting out and heading to the back to change.

With Uomi's fourth place finish, she gets five points, which puts them at 23 points total.

Somehow, both Mutsumi and I are still in the running, but... well, Mutsumi's ramp is already pretty high. She hasn't answered many of the questions correctly, and her platform is jacked up nearer to vertical than anyone else's board. She seems to be holding on to thin air with how hard she's concentrating. It's not long before her turn comes up.

"What kind of math do you use to find the angles inside a triangle from its sides?"

Mutsumi's concentration slips and so does she, about four cm. She hurriedly tries to think of the answer, coming up with "Algebra?"

"Sorry, the answer is Trigonometry." Mr. Tamagari grins and presses his button.

Mutsumi desperately tries to keep her grip. For a moment, it even looks like she might even remain on top of the board despite it's near 50 degree angle.

Then she drops one of the balloons to grab into the edge of the platform. The balloon pops as it hits the stage, and the host gets to push his oversized button once again to dump the martial artist the rest of the way into the slime. She still looks remarkably cheery for all of that.

I look over at the scoreboard. We have 21 points, but we don't have any points from this round yet. Aria is sitting up there serenely, almost without a care. She has twenty-one points as well, which means... that whoever knocks the other out will be the winner. The loser ties with the Legal team.

I slowly turn my head to face the rich girl.

She offers up her tranquil smile that she wears in public. I know what's behind that mask, woman. "Ready to take a goop bath?"

"I think I'd rather see you take one." I'd come up with a snappier comeback, but I'm focusing intently on not falling in. the soles of my shoes are the only thing resisting the inevitable pull of gravity, and just barely at that. I'd say, one, maybe two more raises before I drop. Despite her confidence, I don't think Aria's really going to be able to hold on much longer.

Fukishou steps up next to my platform. "You two are the last contenders! How does it feel to have come this far against the illustrious Miss Shichijou?"

I glance at him slowly. We're really doing this now? He gives me a subtle nod. "I guess it-" I almost say normal. After all, Aria is almost a permanent fixture in my life. Ain't that a scary thought. "- it's kind of impressive. I didn't think a rich lady like her would last this long."

he grins his trademarked grin and glances at his cue card. "Alright, now to the personal questions!"

...Huh?

"What is Miss Shichijouu's primary maid's name?"

I blink at him. "Dejima?"

Fukishou raises an eyebrow. "That's correct!"

The crowd starts mumbling amongst themselves in a bit of confusion. It takes me a minute to realize that someone like me has very little reason to know her maid's name.

Aria's platform jacks up just a tiny bit, and I swear she slips just the tiniest bit. If she gets the next question wrong-

"Alright Miss Shichijou, how do you feel about this competition so far?"

"I think that that commoner over their has kept up quite admirably." Her serene smile slips ever so briefly in favor of a predatory grin.

The host laughs. "Alright, alright. So here's your question about the 'commoner.' Which does he prefer- boxers or briefs?"

"Oy." I retort. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Shino cracking up. I bet she supplied both the question and the answer. Actually, now that I think back on it, she was asking everyone odd questions last night... And since Aria definitely knows this answer-

"Briefs."

My platform jacks up another increment and I can feel my shoes losing traction. I take a slow breath and focus as much of my being on being still as I can.

Given how precarious the two of us are, I think this next question will be the last. If I answer right, I win, if I get it wrong, she wins.

I focus my entire being on sticking to the platform as the host reads his cue card, then blinks and re-reads it.

A feeling of dread grips my spine. What could possibly...?

Fukishou looks up at me with his back to the camera so his apologetic expression isn't shown on TV. "Takatoshi, what are Miss Shichijou's three sizes?"

I almost lose my balance right then and there, but the crowd suddenly hushes and it feels like the eyes of the world fall onto me.

"Er, can you repeat that?" I ask, with the tiniest trace of hope in my voice. "'Cause I could have sworn you just asked for her three sizes."

"That's exactly right!" He regains his cheerful smile through sheer force of will.

"That's three questions in one." I protest.

"Does that mean you can't answer?"

I sigh. If this isn't a catch 22, I don't know what is. "82-64-75." I let my face go slack. Of course I know her measurements. She practically announces them to me every time she gets measured, for whatever reason. I mean, I can guess several reasons, but I don't care to contemplate most of them.

Aria accepts her fate and slides into the goo.

A wave of relief passes over me... hey, when did I start taking this so seriously? I could have just given up and not answered the question- _I just said that out loud, in public. On a recorded broadcast._

I can feel hateful stares pointed in my direction. This includes the host beside me, but he recovers before the camera can get anything more than the tail end of his displeasure.

He rapidly clicks his button, and I'm practically launched into the goo right behind the wealthy heiress.

* * *

I don't actually watch Japanese game shows or American ones. I used to watch Wipeout with friends occasionally, but that's not a large sample size.

Oh, and I've seen some of the humiliation clips from the Japanese shows, but... well, the entire thing would be one big "Aria is a pervert" joke.


End file.
